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Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do Hero Image

Are you suffering from a Valentine’s Day hangover? Being a day that represents true love, it tends to get magnified and inflicts undue pressure. We shower people we care about with love and if we are honest, we want a few sprinkles from that shower reciprocated. We can say, “it’s just another day,” and that’s true, however, it’s also true that as humans we’re wired for connection with others and to feel we belong. As uncomfortable as it might be to accept the fact that we all need connection with others, it is a hard truth worthy of our attention.  

The first step to true love is being true to yourself. This is where the “break up” comes in. It’s no easy task to undo all the beliefs and behaviors that leave us feeling abandoned and alone. However, if we continue looking outside of ourselves for that shower of love, we will always feel scorched. 

Speaking from experience in my journey to loving and being true to myself, I echo Neil Sedaka’s lyrics from the sixties, “They say that breaking up is hard to do, now I know, I know that it’s true.”  I am a recovering clinger, I resisted breaking up at every turn, I was always sure that I could make everything work if I just try harder. I clung to people, jobs, and things that clearly were not serving my highest good and were begging to be blessed and sent on their way. The resistance to letting go of people, jobs, and things, were fed by deceptive habits and behaviors that my true self was begging to break up with. My brain was standing by waiting to serve me and my body was showing all the signs of an SOS.  

My first breakup was with people-pleasing. It was an intense relationship so it called for a slow, steady, and gentle letting go. Like a relationship with a person, it was a package deal, my people-pleasing had many friends and family, or should I say accomplices, who felt the pang of the breakup. 

Breaking up is hard to do. Even the accomplices started to squirm – perfectionism, comparing, fixing, and the need for approval were quick to squawk, clinging to me desperately as if it was life or death. There was a prideful ruthlessness about them led by none other than my inner critic. This made me realize it was always about them and never about me. If we all need connection with others, then I must feel connected to myself first. Breakups are hard but they don’t have to be ugly. My habits and behaviors were well-intended but way out of balance. There is a time to break up, bless people, jobs, things, behaviors, and habits and send them on their way.  

As odd as it may sound, once the breakup began, the habits and behaviors stopped being so clingy and the urge to grab all the gusto of life, as if there was a shortage, fell away. My brain and body felt peaceful and content. On most days the shower of love is given and received. Breaking up is hard to do, but you are worth it!

What do you need to break up with in order to Make 2022 About You?

Join me for a free event “Make 2022 About You!” on Wednesday, March 2, 2022, 6 -7 pm ET

Parent Action for Healthy Kids - Barb Flis

Barbara Flis,
Founder Parent Action for Healthy Kids

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In 2022, it’s okay to be Perfectly Imperfect!

Imperfectly PErfect

When the month of February rolls around, we’re surrounded by images of hearts and flowers. It has become the official or unofficial month of “love.” In a blog I wrote in 2020, How much do you love YOU?, I shared with parents, teachers, and those who are a part of a child’s life, that the best way to love your child is to love yourself. The first strategy was to notice every time you are highly self-critical or self-judging. How did it go? For me, I found my self-criticism to be higher than I expected. Oh my, that striving for perfection is exhausting.

It takes time, awareness, and self-love to find the delicate balance of being reflective enough to see how to improve without beating yourself up or throwing the towel in for not getting it right. In the education arena, teachers strive to instill a “growth mindset” with students. A growth mindset is a belief that skills and qualities are cultivated through effort and perseverance. For example, if your child has put a lot of effort into something and failed, could you congratulate him/her? Are you guilty of influencing or taking over your child’s project so that he/she can shine? I know I’m guilty as charged. Too often we praise our children for the high marks, rather than giving them kudos for their effort and stick-to-itiveness.  

So now, my perfectly imperfect humans, let’s hold up the mirror. When you don’t reach the mark as a parent or teacher, are you able to offer compassion to yourself for trying? Can you say “tomorrow is a new day”? What we practice grows stronger, so making friends with your perfectly imperfect self is the kindest, most compassionate, and loving thing you can do for you and for your children.

Being Imperfectly Perfect

One cold week in February two years ago, my two granddaughters came over to assemble a Valentine Gingerbread House. As is my style, I dove right in without reading the directions. Much to my dismay, the roof kept sliding off our little love shack. I became frustrated because in my mind the final product had to be worthy of a Pinterest post. My then six-year-old granddaughter stood back popping candy conversation hearts into her mouth while I grabbed a glue gun to get it to stick. Observing the disappointed look on my face, she said, “It’s okay Barbie (They like to call me Barbie, not a Grandma), “Once the decorations are on, it will look awesome!”  

I guess sometimes we need a six-year-old to remind us that “awesome” is in the eyes of the beholder. This week, rather than paying attention to what you’re not getting right, pay attention to how awesome you are for trying.

Let’s Make 2022 About You!

Sound selfish? If you answered yes, you are not alone. We often dream about moving ourselves to the top of the “to do” list but feel powerless to make it happen. It’s unselfish to put yourself first. In this session, I will introduce you to a practice utilizing the whole brain and centering your body so that you can bring forward the confidence, compassion, and wisdom that is within you. Making it about you is the first necessary step in helping and being of service to others. You have all that you need, there is nothing to be fixed. It’s just a matter of putting it into practice
This is a FREE Virtual event. Please join us!
Wednesday, Mar 2, 2022  7p – 8p
Parent Action for Healthy Kids - Barb Flis

Barbara Flis,
Founder Parent Action for Healthy Kids